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I Thought My Thought
Was A Thought



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6/3/2009
// Al-Fatihah


Terlalu berat menerima hakikat.
Allah jua Maha Mengetahui.


* Life is tough and is even tougher without you.
Al-Fatihah untuk mak.
Semoga roh mak ditempatkan bersama orang-orang mukmin yang dikasihiNya.

Amin.



Posted at 05:03 am by elixir
Do you mind?  

12/18/2008
// This Place is Vacant

Another year is coming to an end.
Everything is still in the same place.
The same loop. The same promises.
The same starting point.
With no end.

Many people has passed you by.
Some smile. Never feel guilty.
Moving on happily.
Some don't even care, saying
'you chose your own despair'.

Sometimes, things will never happen.
It does not go the way we want it to be.
No matter how hard you try to put things together.
The puzzles seem to have a missing piece.

There's always a reason for a thing to happen.
There's also an excuse for a thing not to happen.
And there's a way to make it happen.
Unless you let the opportunity slipped away...

Let this same old place be vacant.
Leave it now or never.
One day, you might see this place in different colors.






Posted at 05:01 am by elixir
Do you mind?  

11/29/2008
// A Trial

A lot of things been happening lately. It's been a month since I learned
a panic stricken fact that mom was diagnosed with
Stage 4 Carcinoma Gall Bladder.

I was the only person that confronted the doctor  when he gave me a pitiful look while explaining the results of the Ctscan.
I still did not get it at first. Surely, it would not be that bad. But as the explanations
became clearer, I felt weaker.

Mom was waiting outside the room. And I was supposed to tell her the
results in the most appropriate way. But what is the most appropriate way?
She had high hopes that the results would not be anything serious.
How was I supposed to explain to her? I took her home, telling her that
the doctor needed a second opinion before confirming the results.

At home, I felt guilty looking at her pale face and thought that I should
not hide anything from her. She deserved to know the truth. I hugged her
and cried so hard and told the her the results. Gone all the self determination
that I should not cry and be strong in front of her.
All these years, she's been my shoulder to cry on and gave me the strength
to move on.
And now, things will never be the same. I should hide my fear of losing her.
I should give her strength and tell her not to give up hopes and efforts.
Abah was calm. I know men are so good at hiding their feelings.

We thought of chemo for her but then a cousin suggested and alternative
way-going for Batin Operation. Chemo would be the last option.
We afraid that with her age and condition, her body could not tolerate the chemo.
I dare not to say more but she looks fine at this moment. But again,
who knows what's inside. She might go for another Ctscan just to see how
she's progressing.

And I feel better now. Not to say that I am comfortable with her condition.
But after days of crying the moment I learned the hard truth, I realize that
I should not sit down and worry. Worry is surely like a rocking chair.
It gives me something to do but it gets me nowhere. So instead of
worrying the chances of her survival, I should move on and put efforts
to give her the best treatments she could have.
With that, hopefully, no matter what happened after this, I know
I've done the best I can.

Thanks to friends for all the supports. I really appreciate it.



Posted at 03:43 am by elixir
Comments (2)  

10/26/2008
// Courage

Sometimes we've never believed that we would ever had a courage
to do things that we are so afraid of.

And sometimes we don't even realized what brought us the courage
to do things that we've never imagined that we would do.

Truly, I don't know what brings me the courage to go and
confront the uncomfortable situation. Maybe because I could not live
in question marks forever.

People say seeing is believing.
Maybe I want an answer with my own eyes and I want to answer people
by them seeing with their own eyes too. And that I hope will save me from
explaining. And at the same time, I know I could never stop people
from talking.

I have no one. And it's hard though. But I pray that I could go through it with God besides me and pouring the courage into me.
And that might be where the courage comes from.



Posted at 11:07 am by elixir
Do you mind?  

10/9/2008
// MBSA lagi

Semalam aku hangin lagi dengan MBSA. Kerek giler mamat MBSA smalam.
Lepas parking macam biasa kat belakang opis, aku dengan penuh rasa
tanggungjawab pun pergi la memasukkan duit sebanyak 40 sen sebagai parking sejam. Aku ingat nanti lepas sejam aku topup lagik.

Sedang aku duduk membaca blog,  tetiba budak opis yang baru sampai dari pintu belakang bitau..."Cepat..cepat...orang dah menyaman tu. Kete Kak A**a
dah kena saman." Aku pun cam heran la. Aku dah bayar parking.
Ke aku tak sedar dah sejam.
Akupun pegi la kat kete. Memang dah kena saman. Masa tu mamat MBSA
tu dengan gaya kerek nya tengah nak saman kete budak opis ni.
Dia cakap "Tak boleh bagi muka." Lepas tu, aku pun tanya "Bang, saya dah
bayar. Nape kena saman gak?" Dengan gaya hanjznya dia jawab "Belakang memang tak boleh letak kereta." Cinabeng tol! Tak consider langsung.
Saman menyaman ni tengok pegawai gak. Ada setengah tu, boleh lebih kurang.
Tapi yang semalam tu memang aku rasa nak ketuk je pale dia dari belakang.
Dah la aku PMS. Rasa nak bunuh je. Matilah emo yang melampau.

Masuk ni dah brapa ratus dah saman aku dapat. Baru ni dapat saman lebih kurang RM300 tapi dapat diskaun kalau bayar before 31 Oktober 2008. Itu baru satu kete. Kadang2 aku pinjam keta bapak aku. Kete tu pun ada saman gak.
Hengat lepas2 raya ni orang ada duit ke nak bayo. Kehjik giler MBSA ni.


So ari ni, aku bertekad nak beli pas bulanan. RM60 sebulan boleh parking merata Shah Alam. Aku parking tepi jalan depan MBSA. Pegi ground floor. Pas dah abis. Kena turun LG. Cuak gak aku. Buatnya kete aku kene tow. Sib baik tak. Adik tu kasi nombor boleh call. Next time call nombor tu and orang tu akan anta pas bulanan ke opis. X tau la ada extra caj ke. Tapi x kesah la. Dah tau nak beli kat mana.

Bila dah dapat pas bulanan tu, aku rasa lega giler. Kalau tak, tak tenang hati aku. Kebetulan balik dari beli pas bulanan tu nak ke opis, aku nampak segerombolan mamat MBSA naik motor. Haa tu nak ops nyaman la tu! Bila aku lalu tepi diaorang, nak jek aku hon and tunjuk pas bulanan yang aku baru beli tu. *Matilah sakit ati

Aku memang ada sejarah dengan MBSA ni yang buat aku sakit ati. Dulu aku keja kat Shah Alam gak. Masa tu memang kena saman selalu. Opismates aku pun jenis cam tak kesah. Siap kumpul saman dalam beg plastik besar. Ingat boleh tunjuk keras kepala. Last-last kena ugut dapat perintah mahkamah kalau tak bayar, kena gak bayar. Beribu gak. Even opismate aku Graphic Designer tu imitate tiket parking tu guna Adobe Illustrator. Aku rasa agak sejibik gak la tapi yang membuatkan kantoi nya dia pi tabur banyak2 kat dashboard kete dia. Kut ye pun, agak-agakla kan. Last-last kena gak saman.

Sejak tu la, aku memang berbulu jek dengan MBSA. Aku tau la memang diaorang jalankan tugas. Kalau aku jadi pegawai MBSA, tatau la. Aku terpaksa gak saman kut. Tapi ada lah rasa timbang rasa.
Tapi sekarang aku dah tak payah nak risau pasal saman. I have my peace of mind.



Posted at 03:43 am by elixir
Comments (2)  

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